IF I SPOKEN TO MY PARENTS HOW KIDS TALK NOW DAYS I`D BEEN KNOCKED OUT

Believe it or not, this is an actual group on Facebook. Please tell me I don't have to tell you everything that's wrong with that group name :) I really try hard to not to be judgemental, but this stuff blows me away sometimes. When I took Linguistics 100, I was told that linguists are only supposed to "describe" language, not "prescribe" it, but with that comes some huge problems, the biggest one being how lexically ambiguous English can be.

Honestly, a few years ago I was a huge stickler for spelling and grammar (grammar is what attracted me to linguistics in the first place), but I'm pleased to say that I've mellowed regarding that subject. However, when a database like this Facebook group falls into my lap, I can't help but analyse it.

I took some excerpts from comments people left on the group's wall, indicating how the English language can be completely misinterpreted if it's used incorrectly or without enough context (I haven't edited or omitted anything). English is so ambiguous sometimes that you have to be super specific, or else some random person (in this case, me :D ) will take what you're saying the wrong way.

• "I was married with my 5 children. The F word was never spoke in our house untill my 3 oldest children started going out and running around. I can't stand that word and all of my children and grand-children know it. The people in the world today has no respect for their self." You were married to your five children?
• "My parents would duck tape me and put me in the closet if I WAS BAD. Nowadays thats child abuse." You have tape made out of ducks? Plus, I'm pretty sure that was child abuse back then too.
• "It's kinda like the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder? I don't much like either, but I will grant you that there is a whole heck of a lot of people who deserve it." Okay there isn't much to misinterpret in this one, but I am kind of afraid for my life.
• "TALK BACK TO MY DAD? loooool i'd rather jump off a bridge because he is RIPPED and he would pound the hell out of my ass :p" Umm...
• "I got the belt across my butts if I talkd bak,." You personally have multiple butts?
• "GET A BEET DOWN!" Are you swallowing beets?
• "What's worse is when you got it at school for fighting on the playground and then the school contacted your parents and you got grounded and licks when you got home" Your parents licked you as punishment?

On a side note, what horrifying traumas must have happened to a person (actually, almost two million Facebook users) to have them relate so fervently to such a blatant pro-child-abuse forum?